Meant to Live
by ZuXy.Q
Summary: After James broke up with her,her best friend died,and Sirius decided to hate her. Lily Evans realizes she can't pull the pieces of her life back together...
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing you recognize.**

**MEANT TO LIVE  
****Prologue**

Literature is known to be the art to provoke emotions through words...so I think that as long as the piece you're reading gets to you, then the author will be satisfied. That is what I love about books, that you get to experience with the characters of each story, sometimes you are compatible, sometimes you clash.But either way each book turns into a journey you get to share somehow.

And what you are about to read is the journey of five people...and how one event changed their lives.

They were just eleven when they all met

"_This is James Potter and Sirius Black and I am Elizabeth Stern".the three were practically of the same height. The girl had long curly blonde hair that clashed with the jet black hair of both boys. She had dark big blue eyes, and a pretty smile. The boy called James had unruly hair, spectacles, and a mischevious grin while Sirius had grey eyes, nice hair and a twinkle in his eyes.._

"_I am Lily Evans and this is Remus Lupin. Nice to meet you"She had orange hair and curly, rosy cheeks, and big green eyes.. Remus had light blue eyes, dirtyblonde hair and a shy smile._

"_I am sorry but all the compartments are occupied. Can I sit here?" asked a little blonde boy as he opened the door of the compartment, he was shorter than the other boys._

"_Of course" nodded Elizabeth "What's your name?"_

"_Peter. Pettigrew"_

Destined to be together

"_I can't believe we all got sorted intro gryffindorf" squealed Lily happily as they went into the common room._

" _James you should've seen Peter's face when he was up in the stool"laughed Sirius _

"_I was nervous" Peter stuttered._

"_It's okay Peter" said Elizabeth turning to glare at Sirius and James who were laughing._

"_I'm just glad we are in the same house" said Remus quietly._

A wonderful friendship began to blossom, and as the years started to pass, they grew more fond of each other, more close to each other and so...

Secrets were revealed.

"_How did you know?"asked Remus panicked, they had discovered his secret, they would hate him._

"_Your mother getting sick at the same time each month?"said James questiongly._

"_I understand" muttered Remus "I am sorry, it was good while it lasted."_

"_What are you talking about?" asked Sirius confused._

"_Our friendship,I know nobody wants to be friend with a werewolf"he said sadly._

"_Bollocks! We do!!!" James said a little more loud that he intended"and we don't mind and all"James smiled and hugged his friend_

"_Really?"asked Remus hoping he had not heard wrong._

"_We're mates, brothers. Right Peter?" Sirius said._

"_We don't care if you're a werewolf. You're still Remus Lupin,our friend." Peter said honestly._

Bonds were made

"_The marauders?" asked Elizabeth "That's the best you could come up with?"_

"_Hey it has ring!"protested James._

"_Sure it does" Lily laughed._

"_It's a great name, don't listen to them" said Sirius_

"_They'll become legendary with that name" said Elizabeth between laughs _

"_Don't push it" warned Remus._

Feelings started to blossom

"_Lily, Liz wait will you to the Halloween ball with me and Sirius?" asked James Potter nervously. While Sirius just stood ther and gave them his best smile._

_  
Lily turned to Liz and with a look, they came to a decision. Elizabeth smiled "Yes, James we'll go with you"_

Paths were chosen

"Pranking is all those two seem tothink about" said Elizabeth annoyed. 

"_That's because they're boys" explained Remus._

"_Geez, really?Hadn't noticed" said Lily as she watched James ans Sirius planned excitedly another one of their famous pranks._

"_What is wrong that?"asked Peter._

"_Nothing..."they said in unison and lef the room._

Jealousy lead to romance 

"_I am sorry for punching Seth" Elizabeth was standing in front of him looking anything but thrilled"It's just that I like you" blurted out Sirius._

"Oh" 

"_Oh?That's all you have to say??"asked Sirius exasperated._

"_You punched my boyfriend because you like me??!!"asked Elizabeth skeptically._

"_Yes..." said Sirius, and he turned to leave. She was really mad, didn't believe and he couldn't think of something else to do or say._

"_Sirius wait"Elizabeth called running after him. When she stopped in front of him she leaned and kissed him" I like you too" she grinned._

Games were played 

"_James get back here!!!" said Lily yelling chasing James "Give me my badge back!!"_

"_Don't, she and Moony are traitors!!" said Sirius accusingly._

"_Padfoot, just because we're prefects doesn't mean we are traitors" said Remus seriously._

"_Try telling them James that" said Elizabeth laughing._

"_They'll get over it" said Peter smiling"They just love to chase each other"_

Desires were expressed

"_Potter will you ever just kiss me" said Lily as they layed down on the ground watching the stars._

"_I..." said James caught by surprise. Lily laughed at his clumsinnes and turned to face him "Or will I have to?" she said crushing her lips against hss, and letting all the bottled up emotions of years finally flow free._

Sixth year came and they had it all, it was a promising year. But what they had hoped to be the best year, took a turn for worse. Because this year not would only break their hearts and hurt their friendship, but it would change their lives forever,and overcome their happiness and innocence with darkness and anger...

We were meant to live for so much more  
Have we lost ourselves?  
Somewhere we live inside

(Meant to Live-Switchfoot)

* * *

_**A/N: What do you think???Keep reading**_


	2. Who is to blame?

**Disclaimer:Own nothing. JKR we all know it.**

**MEANT TO LIVE**

**Chapter 1- Who is to blame?  
**_Song:Running up that hill-Placebo_

A sixteen year old Lily Evans had just finished packing her trunk to go home for Christmas. Normally she would've felt excited about coming home and seeing her parents and her sister, but lately she hadn't been feeling at all.

She went into the bathroom and took a last glance at herself in the mirror, and decided to skip breakfast. Instead she decided to go for a walk on the outside grounds of the castle. It had snowed last night, and everything was so beautiful, so perfect, so...unlike her.

As she left her dorm, she noticed Remus waiting for her. She must have forgotten he had told her he would check on her to make sure she ate.

Remus Lupin was very concerned witht his best friend's health. She didn't eat and he was sure she had trouble sleeping lately. It was understandable after everything she had gone through. How much could a person change in six weeks? Remus looked at the Lily standing in front of him, and suddenly he felt a lifetime had passed by.

"Are you done packing?"asked Remus. Lily just nodded. And that was all they talked until they reached the great hall. When they entered people seemed to stop talking. A month had passed by, but the students at Hogwarts didn't forget easily. And who could really blame them...

Lily and Remus sat at the end of the table and silently began to eat. A couple of minutes later a certain guy caught Lily's eyes. She watched miserably as James sat just a couple of feet away from her, but didn't even bothered to look at her. After a month she was beggining to get used to...still it stung.

"_Hey, you got some jam on your chin" said James._

"_No, I don't" said Lily touching her chin._

"_Now, you do" he said putting some with his finger and grinning._

"_James!" whined Lily, reaching out for a napkin. James stopped her, and kissed her chin liking the jam."And you've got some on your uppe lip too" Lily giggle and James continued to supposedly clean the jam. Soon they had forgotten all about breakfast and they were kissing._

"_Get a room" said Peter as he saw the couple's display._

Remus silently cursed James and Sirius, as he watched them enter the Great Hall, they were so stupid, and they didn't seem to realize it. He knew that they would come to their senses but in the process, they had already ruined their friendship with him, broke Lily's heart and he was sure that probably Elizabeth's too...

But again he really wouldn't know...Could she know?Could she see?

Lily and Remus finished their breakfast and by unspoken agreement went outside into the snow and walked, keeping each other company without saying anything at all. Soon they had to go back, and leave to Hogsmeade and to home.

* * *

James watched as Lily Evans talked to his former best friend and smiled. What a pair of hypocrites, he thought she couldn't wait to go into someone else for comfort, and to his best friend from all of people... 

_But you let her go _said a little voice in his head.

"_Just like that??" said Lily laughing bitterly. James wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer, he wanted to say no, but under the circumstance it would've been a terrible mistake._

"_I can't believe I actually bought your act" said Lily more loudly this time, struggling to keep her emotions in control "I really thought that I wasn't just some girl"_

"_You weren't" he yelled._

_But Lily ignored him, she couldn't believe it was actually happening, it wasn't supposed to. Not so soon anyways "You made into one of your little tramps"_

"_That's not fair!!"said James indignantly.  
__  
"Oh really? And what you just did, is?!!" she yelled back_

"_You were my best friend" tried James, he hadn't planned things to got this way they were supposed to go back to being friends. "You weren't just some tramp"_

"_Really? Then why does it feel that way" she yelled and left him._

So he had, but that didn't mean that he didn't care.In the process he had broke his own heart and let go a part of it with her. Then when the incident happen he wasn't even there for her, but he wasn't to blame.

She was the one who had pushed him away, he wanted to be his friend, but she wanted it all. Lily wanted something he couldn't give to her, he had tried but realized the great mistake before it was too late. As he watched her get with Remus into a compartment, he convinced himself.

He had done the right thing.

James had let her go, and she was free again, as she was meant to be.

Eventually she would know it, and maybe he would forgive her.She would forgive him and maybe they could go back to being friends.

* * *

Lily watched the snow fall through the window. Remus had fallen asleep an hour ago, and she felt like it was just yesterday when their sixth year had began. 

_"Lily, please do tell" said Elizabeth. Lily blushed once again. What was she supposed to say that it was great, amazing, more than she had imagined "It was good" _

_"James and you shagged. GooD isn't going to be enough. I want all the dirty details" said Liz as she applied some lipstick. _

_"Liz, don't say shag. It sounds so..." said Lily  
__  
"Made love" said Elizabeth in a false girly voice. Lily laughed, she loved how Elizabeth was. Wild, crazy temper, full of passion, honest, brave and so outgoing. Lily on the contrary was more sweet, level headed, and kind. More passive _

_"The first time wasn't perfect. But from there it has been so..." said Lily blushing again. _

_"Fuck!You didn't shag once, but twice??!!"Elizabeth yelled. _

_"Sh..People will hear, you know" said Lily. _

Another thing James had, her virginity. She had never planned shagging as her friend so eloquently had putted it at the age of sixteen. But it had felt right at the time, and even now she had not regrets about her decision. Losing James was hard, and she would've been okay if she had Elizabeth.

But losing them at the same time, that she couldn't deal with. She still remembered the last time she saw her. ...

_"It's going to be okay" said Liz soothingly. Rubbing her friend's back. _

_"No it's not" cried Lily "He..." and she let out a sob. _

_"He is an idiot. That's what he is. I'll go talk to him. You and him belong together. Everybody knows it" _

_"Do you really think?" _

_"Yes, I do think. He's just an ass. Take a bath. I'll be back I have detention with Slughorn"she said standing up "On my way back I'll bring some cookies and cake. Deal?" _

_"Deal" Lily replied. _

And that was the las time she saw her alive. Sirius had found her on the classroom she was supposed to serve detention dead. She knew Sirius hated her now, and to be honest she kind of deserved it. A week after Elizabeth's death, Snape had done some nasty comment about Liz, and Sirius dared him to go follow Remus into the whomping willow, when he told me what he had done and what he hoped... I was so scared I just lost it

_"You did what??!!" I asked outraged. "He could die"  
__  
"He deserves it" said Sirius darkly. _

_"What about Remus?" _

_"He won't even know..." said Sirius. _

_"I can't believe you are such an idiot. Remus will be sent to Azkaban, did you ever thought about him? All you think is about yourself. You're such a egoistical brat. You claim to hate the dark arts, yet you're cruel. You claim to hate your family yet you behave like them. You claim to love your friends yet you put them on risk. You claimed to love Elizabeth yet you got her killed. She was serving that stupid detention because of you!!! Only because of you stupid arrogant ass" Lily yelled letting angry tears fall down. And Sirius pushed her away making her fall. _

_"SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND. HOW DARE YOU??" he yelled.  
__  
"BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR HER"Lily cried. _

_"GET OUT!!!"roared Sirius. _

_"FUCK YOU!!" yelled Lily. _

_James and Peter entered the room and confused by the sudden display. "What happened?" demanded James. _

_"Sirius sent Snape after Remus" said Lily without looking at him.James didn't need more he bolt out of the room . _

Sirius had went after James and Lily had cried, at first she had thought he would forgive her but he didn't, he stopped being friends since then. James had been able to save Snape's life but when Remus had found out he had gone ballistic. So Remus got mad at Sirius.

At first James didn't take any sides, but something happened. Remus had only told her James and him had argued about the incident but didn't mention any details. So then Peter was practically forced to choose a side, and he chose James and Sirius.Lily understood it, it must have been hard on Peter too.

* * *

Sirius stepped down of the train along with James. As he saw James' Parents a ghost smile appeared on his handsome face. At least he had a family. No matter what anyone said, James was his brother and the Potters were more parents to him that his had ever been. 

He took a last look at the plattaform and he blinked as he saw her standing there. There she was in all her glory, her long blond curls, her bright blue eyes, her beautiful face, and her perfect smile. It was Elizabeth. His Elizabeth...

"Padfoot" said James making him snap out "Are you coming mate?" Sirius looked again at the spot, but she was gone. Maybe he was starting to go crazy and imagine things.

Yes love can make you crazy. So what happens when the love of your life dies?You go insane?

* * *

**A/n: AU!! OF COURSE. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK PLEASSEE!!1REVIEW.**


	3. She's on your mind

**Disclaimer:Own nothing. JKR we all know it.**

**MEANT TO LIVE  
Chapter 2- She's on your mind  
**_Song: Sing for Absolution-Muse_

It was Christmas, the favorite holiday of Lily Evans. Since she was a little girl, she would always be the first one to wake up, and drag her sister and her parents so they could all open their presents. This year however was so different, Petunia was the one to wake her up, and when she went down her parents were waiting.

The three of them had been very supportive, and had given her space. At the same time, she knew that they couldn't really know how she was feeling. Nobody could, maybe James...but oh well he wasn't someone she could talk to now.Sometimes she honestly hated herself. She regretted the day she had pushed James out of her life.

"_Lily, please"said James "I've been waiting for you to come down. Just listen"_

"_I don't care" said Lily with her bloodshot eyes, walking past him._

"_I know that maybe right now, you don't want to see me..."But he was quicker so he grabbed her._

"_You're damn right. I don't"Lily cut him off trying to break free from his grasp._

"_Lily just listen. I...I don't want things to end badly. We promised we wouldn't let this mess our friendship"_

"_It's too late, it already has."said Lily starting to cry again "I love you" she said with a trembled voice "It's too late for me, I can't go back.."_

"_But you can" said James carefully _

"_No!!!Don't you understand??!!"she yelled "This is it for me. If you can't love me back, I can't settle for less than that. Not now, not after all"_

"_Lily"whispered James with a knot on his throath._

"_No, no, no, James, please stop!! I can't be friends, I don't want to..."she said with such honesty that James let her go."If you really care a little bit about me, you'll leave me alone" He looked at her and realized she was serious. So he turned away and left._

Downstairs she was greeted with a cup of hot chocolate and hugs from her parents. Every year she would be the first to open the gifts, this year however she cose to be the last one. Her parents had got her an amazing watch, and beautiful dress robes. Petunia had given her a sweater and a scarf. Remus a book, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Kate and Marlene, two of her roommates had gotten her a make up kit. But she was surprised when she another small box. Who else could get her something.

Inside there was a letter and a little velvet box. Jewelery? She decided to open the letter first.

_**Lily, **_

_**Merry Christmas!!!I hope you like the ring, Sirius thinks I am ridiculous, buying this in plain October. But when I saw it it screamed Lily, not literally, but you know what I mean. I couldn't give it to you as a Halloween present, so I thought it was the perfect Christmas gift.**_

_**Love  
James**_

_**P.s Actually Elizabeth though about it, she refuses to give me full credit.Spoilsport**_

When she finished reading the letter, she felt a hole in her stomach. She opened the box and inside was a golden ring with little emeralds around it. Lily closed the box and put it aside.

"Honey what's wrong?"asked Amanda Evans.

"Nothing" Lily muttered "I need to write a reply" she said and ran upstairs, she locked herself. And lied in her bed staring at the ring...

* * *

"_Oh yes your parents love me" said Sirius _

"_That was before you started dating me"said Elizabeth laughing_

"_Well you can take me this Christmas and we'll find out" and he kissed her forehead. Elizabeth smiled brightly "Really?"_

"_Yes, I think it's about time we tell them. Don't you?" _

"_Oh yes, my mother will be thrilled, as for my father, good luck" and she giggled._

Sirius mood was awful and James wasn't any better. Dinner at the Potter's had been terribly quiet. James' parents had only been able to extract monosyllables from both boys. And it was exasperating Mrs. Potter, but she didn't want to push it.

"Boys you know this year I am hosting the Annual New Year's party" said Mrs. Pottter casually "Your presence is required".

"Okay" they said in unison.

"The invitations were sent, a month ago" she said knowing she was on thin ice "So Lily is on the list"

"Mother you didn't.." said James glaring.

"James"warned his father looking at his son knowingly.

"She will not come" said Sirius simply

"I don't what happened and I don't need to." Started Anne Potter "but it is my party and I want you both to behave politely with _all_ the guests" Sirius and James made no comment, and they continued to end dinner.

James' parents left almost right away to the Christmas Ball. And James and Sirius went to their respective rooms, not even between them they talked. James understood Sirius was still grieving, and that he needed space. Hell he was still grieving too, but he felt the need to be strong for his friend.

"_James he's an ass. He punched my boyfriend" said Elizabeth desperately._

"_He's jealous" said James trying to comfort his best friend._

"_No he's not!! He's just being Sirius, he has never liked any of my boyfriends, he thinks that just because we know each other since we were babies, he has some sort of power over me"Elizabeht huffed._

"_That too" said James chuckling._

"_Don't laugh,it's not funny you know" she pouted and crossed her arms. "I can't wait for him to make his mind,I can't just put my life on hold..." she said more seriously this time._

"_He's thick, he'll come around" said James hugging Liz._

The three had been best friends since James could remember, being purebloods, meant they attended the same events. And Elizabeth's family were close friend of the Potters. Sirius' family well they were different, friends of the Malfoys and Lestranges.

That explained why Sirius lived with him, he had ran away from home.

_

* * *

_

Remus placed the bouquet of daisies in front of the grave. He hadn't been here since the day of the funeral. Seeing the inscription made it all more real. Remus was meeting Lily here, at the cementery. So he decided to wait

**Elizabeth Stern  
Beloved daughter, sister and friend.**

**(1960-1976)**

_Lily was crying silently and next to her was Sirius who was holding her tightly. Silent tears falling from his face too. James, Remus and Peter were just behind them. Sirius was holding a red rose on his hand._

"_...as long as those who love you, remember you, your spirit shall remain with us forever" said Elizabeth's older brother Charles._

_Sirius took a step closer, bringing Lily closer and he let the red rose fall, as the coffin started to descend, Lily began to choke and looked away hiding in Sirius' shoulder, while he held her closely. Tears were streaming down the rest of the marauders' faces. _

_Remus took Lily's hand, taking her with him, and leaving Sirius to have his private good bye.  
"Remus...she's gone"Lily sobbed._

"_Ssshh..."Remus soothed. Lily looked up to see James staring at her and Remus, and James lowered his head. Lily only began to cry harder._

"Merry Christmas" said Lily hugging Remus.

"Merry Christmas, thanks for the journal, very thoughtful" added Remus. Remus saw Lily truly smile and noticed the white roses.

"I loved the book" Lily smiled and looked at the grave. And felt instantly her stomach hurt, and her eyes water. She kneeled and placed the white roses next to the daisies. "Could you give me a minute?"she asked turning to Remus.

"Of course Lily, I'll be over there" he said pointing to a bench that was about twenty feet from there.

"Lizzy, I miss you so much" Lily finally broke down. "Everything is so wrong. Sirius hates me, and James won't even look at me. And you're not here...I just don't know what to do anymore."

"I guess I just have no one left. Remus has been so an excellent friend. If it weren't for him, I just would lose it completely. I'm so selfish, he's had his share of pain and I've been a burden. I don't want to anymore... I just want to stop the pain and the tears and the sadness...I just want to make them stop, once and for all" said Lily

"And this is the tricky part" said Lily smiling meanwhile her tears kept falling "I must bury part of myself. Lily must die, she is too weak, she can't handle herself. She's innocent and naive..."Lily trailed off, and turn to see if someone was walking by "You would probably laugh of this little speech, and call me crazy. Truth is that maybe I am"

"I just need to...Anyways I love you so much Liz, and I will never forget you, you were there for me _always. _And I just..."she sobbed harder "I just needed you to know...you'll be my best friend till the end of time. Not even death can break our friendship" Tears kept falling until Lily could collect herself "And I promises who ever did this to you will pay"

Lily and Remus left the cementery, and went to the Lupin mansion. They spent hours talking about meaningless things. Remus noticed Lily seemed with an improved humour druing the afternoon, she laughed made sarcastic comments and smiled.But as the night approached, her mood started to darken and she stopped smiling altogether. When Remus bid her good night she was looking like a dead zombie again.

Little did Remus know, that Lily had still one more thing on her agenda. There was one last thing she needed to do, and it involved James, so she drived over to the Potter's state. She stepped out of the car, and rang the doorbell.

"_It's huge" said a twelve year old Lily amazed by the size of the gardens, the lake, and the huge mansion._

"_Come on Lily, your house or should I say mansion isn't that small" said Elizabeth laughing._

"_Compared to this,it is. I can't believe he has his own lake!!"she exclaimed._

"_Well yes, the Potters are old money" she explained._

"_Are you sure his parent's won't mind?"asked Lily nervously._

"_Of course not, they met you at the train station Lily. They said it was okay, they invited you so stop worrying altogether"_

After what seemed like an eternity, the gate opened and James Potter himself came out. He wasn't surprised. He must have seen her car from the window. His face didn't reveal anything, and Lily felt the nervousness kick in again.

"Hi" James didn't say anything back and Lily's small smile faltered. She sighed and took out a box from her coat.

"I am guessing you forgot about this. So here it is" she said handing it to James. James opened the box and saw the ring, and he looked surprised.

He locked hiz gaze with her and finally spoke "It's yours"

"I don't want it" Lily said apologetically.

"Then throw it away, or break it, melt it. I don't care" said James through gritted teeth.

" James just keep it" said Lily tiredly and turned and went directly back to her car. She drove away from James, and drove James away from her life once and for all.

* * *

**A/N: Please let me know what you think. And all the chapters will have flashbacks recreating what happened. Review!!!And thanks to the the only 3 people who have reviewed my story, as long as I have one reader I'll keep going.**


	4. The role that we play

**Disclaimer:Own nothing. JKR we all know it.**

**MEANT TO LIVE**

**Chapter 3- The role that we play  
**_Song:I don't want to talk about it (Rod Stewart)_

**A/N:Contains a sex explicit scene. You're warned**

"Sirius, James you should've been down ages ago, your mother is going bonkers"scolded Mr. Potter at the two teenagers who were currently on James' room.

"Dad, do you mind?!"asked James ushering his father outside the room, he was still in his underwear.

"James Potter I want you down in five minutes"his father said severely. But he got no response, instead the door was practically slammed in his face. Honestly he had tried to understand James' bad humour and deal with it, but sometimes the boy could exasperating, besides Sirius being serious wasn't easy to cope with either. He had told his wife not to get worried, that it was stage, that it was normal after Elizabeth's death, but truth be told he was starting to get worried too.

"Prongs, are you nervous of seeing her?"asked Sirius skeptically

"No" said James "I don't even know or care for that matter if she comes"

"Oh, but she is" said Sirius darkly "She's Remus date" And although Sirius wasn't actually mad at Remus, on the contrary Remus was mad at him because of the whole Snivellus incident, Sirius stood now by James' side.

_"Hey Moony" said Sirius as he walked to his friend's bed in the infirmary._

_"Hey Padfoot"said Remus smiling weakly_

_"I'm so sorry for what happened yesterday" he muttered_

_"Don't worry, I understand besides you guys won't always be there for my transformations, and I have to get used to it"_

_"No.."said Sirius hoarsely "Remus, I did something stupid" This was going to be so hard, he had no clue about yesterday and how he had almost turned him into a murdered._

_"Sirius.."said Remus more sternly_

_"I told Snape about you, I told him to follow you...I wasn't thinking"_

_"You did what???!!!"yelled Remus_

_"I'm sorry" said Sirius looking down "No harm was done, James saved Snape"_

_"Stupid, bloody fool" roared Remus "Why would you do something like that??!!"_

_"I...my temper got out the best of me"_

_"No, Sirius. I can't believe you...You. GET OUT!!"said Remus his face about to blow up._

_"I am sorry, please Moony"begged Sirius_

_"Leave" he said. And Sirius walked out._

He had tried to approach Remus after that, but he was still mad at him. But when James and Remus had fought, he had shielded behind it, and stopped being friends with Remus altogether. Of course he knew Remus was actually right, and that Prongs was a complete jerk, but he couldn't afford to lose another friend.

* * *

"Lily, dear you look stunningly beautiful" complimented Mrs. Potter. She was glad, that Lily had agreed to come to the party, she didn't knew the specifics, only that his son had ended things between them, and that they didn't talk anymore. 

"Thank you Catherine" said Lily smiling "And Congratulations, everything is just splendid."

"Indeed Catherine" agreed Remus.

"Well thank you ,I wish you two enjoy yourselves" said Mrs. Pottter smiling. Then she excused herself to continue greeting people, and do her job as the hostess.

"I like what you did with your hair" said Remus chuckling. Lily had gone from perfect bouncy curls, to long straight hair and from light colored dress robes, to a shocking yet beautiful deep red. As Mrs. Potter had said she looked stunning, she wasn't pale anymore, and most important of all she wasn't sulking.

"I know, I was tired of my curls" she said "You don't look too bad either"

"Would you to care to dance?"he asked extending his hand.

"Oh yes, a great deal"said Lily laughing but accepted his hand. Just as she was dancing with Remus she met with a pair of hazel eyes. Her first impulse was to look away and ran but she didn't instead she held his gaze defiantly. She had decided to come to the ball to prove a point to herself. That she could do whatever she wanted and not care about what James said. She might love...might have loved him but he wasn't going to let him affect her not anymore...or at least show him.

_Lily was late for her Potion's lessons, so she ran desperate to get on time, but when she rounded the corner she didn't noticed Severus Snape and luckily for her she crashed with him, sending both of them to the floor._

_"You filthy mudblood" Snape roared. _

_"I am sorry"mumbled Lily, and started picking her books quickly._

_"Stupid bitch!!"spat Snape out. By now several 6th years had gathered around, to see. Lily didn't say anything back, she just looked down and continued getting her stuff together. But Snape pushed her to the floor again and laughed along with several slytherins. Lily tried to hold back the tears, she hated being humilated. Sirius and James came into view and James instantly got out his wand _

_"Apologize!!" he said through greeted teeth slamming Snape into the wall and pointing his wand to his neck._

_"Pott head you can't play the bitter ex-boyfriend and pitiful saviour at the same time"He said smriking "Make up your mind" Lily watched in awe as well as the rest of students how James released Snape and mumbled sorry to Snape, then he looked down at Lily and glared and went into the classroom. Lily felt like punching him but she was far too humiliated to...he had looked at her as Snape did, as if she was filth._

If he had been cold and indifferent before, ever since then he took a turn for worse, glaring, looks of disdain and hate was all she received from James. She hated him for making her go through this. So she was the one glaring this time, she loathed him...

* * *

To say that James was not feeling well would've been an understatement, he had to endure looking at the redhead beauty dance with Remus, and flirt with other guys. She looked breathtaking tonight and he wasn't the only one to notice, she had been asked to dance by practically all the young men in the ball. But what he disliked more was that whenever their stares met, he saw nothing more than disgust and hartred from her.

Since he had first layed eyes on her he noticed something different, she didn't looked sad or troubled as she had had for the past month, she seemed to be enjoying herself...and it killed James. He guessed that somewhere really deep inside him, he didn't wish to see her happy without him...

Although her being completely happy was the reason he had ended things between him

_"Did you know Charles proposed to Annabelle" said Lily beaming. They were alone in the common room cuddling "And Frank and Alice got married this summer"_

_"Yeah, well probably Charles and Ana will wait until graduation"said James carelessly, and brushed off a lock of hair from her face._

_"I don't know I guess so..."and she laughed a little "Did you knew Alice is pregnant already..."_

_"Really?"asked James surprised it fel like it was just yesterday they were all kids growing up_

_"Yes, she wrote to me last week. She had to give up auror training and she was happy to do so... after all she had worked, being Headgirl, top of her class...she's going to be just a mother"_

_"Is it wrong?"asked James unsure where this was headed._

_"No...of course not"said Lily laughing "I mean if you had asked me about a year ago, I would have thought her stupid and a bloody fool for giving up her life and dreams. But she's deeply in love with Frank, and that I can understand." and she blushed. _

_"Oh" said James surprised. And after a moment his brain seemed to process what Lily had just said, she was in love with him, and willing to give up anything??!!!He couldn't let her no.._

_"So you would give it all up to for the man you loved?"James asked with a trembling voice. Lily blushed even more if possible _

_"Well no, I mean yes, I..."she couldn't explain. And James gulped, Lily was in love with him, and he was madly in love with her. _

To a normal person this would be a blessing. But James knew better, at first he had tried to deny his feeling for Lily. She was his friend and she was too special. He had refused to act on them, despite his friend's encouragements, but somehow he couldn't stop himself from being around her, he loved making her smile.

He wasn't blind and he started noticing Lily warming up to him as more than a friend, that made it ten times harder . But Lily had kissed him, unaware of the feelings she was releasing. His mind was overpowered by his own heart, but he had never expected her to fall for him, as he had for her. No, she was supposed to enjoy their time and together and sooner or later realize there was someone better out there for her, and they would remain friends...

But Lily had to screw things up, she had to go and fall in love with him...and make his dirty little heart wish come true.Damn her!!! He wouldn't have any of it, he had to end their relationship. He had screwed up already but not this time. She wouldn't be happy with him, he knew it.

He didn't even thought about it twice, because if he did he might have convinced himself to keep her and never let her go...

* * *

"Sirius" purred out the gorgeous blonde in front of him as they entered his bedroom. Sirius kissed her on the mouth to shut her up. He prefered them that way. Sirius pushed her roughly towards the bed, and started trailing kissses down her neck, while she played with his hair. Then he started sucking up on her shoulder and felt her shiver. He returned to her mouth, and their kiss broke until both of them were panting. 

The blonde grinned at him and pushed him, placing herself on top of him. She started unbottoning his shirt, as Sirius sat, so he could unzip her dress, she let the dress fall to her waist, and reveal her silver bra, Sirius made an attempt to unhook the bra, but was pushed once again by the blonde. She started caressing his pecs with her lips, going down with each kiss. When she came all the way down to his waist, she unbuckled the belt and slipped her hand inside his boxer briefs.

Sirius moaned, as she started stroking him, but he knew he couldn't last long , so he changed places again pushing her dress roughly to the ground and ripping off her panties to bury himself inside her. He could feel the wetness surrounding him, and his breath became frantic.

"Faster!!"the blonde said "Oh, Siiriuss"

"Sirius" she said between breaths "Ooohh," but no sound escaped from his mouth, it opened several times, and soundless moans seemed to emerge.

"Siiii.."he thrust harder, they were reaching their peak She dug her nails and bite his shoulder

"Liz.."Sirius moan escaped her lips. The blonde didn't seem to notice, she was too caught up with all, but Sirius did and he pushed her away quickly reaching for his boxers and his clothes. Suddenly he was angry with himself, he threw the dress to theblonde, and he stormed out of the room and into the bathroom. He needed a cold shower.

_"Damn!"muttered ELizabeth the container of her potion had just broke and spilled all over the floor. "Lily go, I have to stay and clean this"_

_"Are you sure?"Lily asked _

_"Yes you have prefect's meeting, go"said Elizabeth pushing her out of the classroom_

_"Miss Stern, you didn't think you would leave the classroom without cleaning" said Slughorn chuckling_

_"Oh no, Professor."said Elizabeth going back to mess._

_"Very well then I'll be at my office"said Slughorn, dissapearing behind a door._

_"Hey beautiful"said a voice behin her. _

_"Handsome"she said smiling_

_"Yes that would be me"he said getting closer. He took out his wand "Evanesco"_

_·"Thanks love" said Elizabeth and kissed him. The kiss turned into a complete snogging session. Sirius lifted her and placed her in the desk, he was about to fullfill one of their fantasies, to shag in a classroom. They had a whole list of places at Hogwarts..._

_"What is the meaning of this??!!"screeched Slughorn_

_"Miss Stern!!!Mr. Black!!" said Slughorn red as a tomato "Detention both of you, tonight!!"_

He had to serve his with Minerva, this was the fateful detention Lily blamed on him among other things...What Lily didn't know was that he blamed himself, the moment he saw her dead on the floor, he knew it was his fault if only he had been there for her, to protect her, she wouldn't be...**_dead._**

* * *

**A/N: I HOPE YOU LIKED IT, IF YOU DID PLEASE SAY SO. THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED LAST CHAPTER!!!!AND PLEASE KEEP READING**

LaughingManiac I love fred and George rockstar-101 sapphirenights Animals are my LIFE Ronnieharry random-lemon Leonie Leo Drunk Cow Suddy

**_YOUR ROCK!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR to alll and see you next year with a new chapterXD_**


	5. It ends tonight

**Disclaimer:Own nothing. JKR we all know it.**

**MEANT TO LIVE  
**

**Chapter 4- It ends tonight  
**_Song:I don't love you-My chemical romance_

Lily glared directly at James and Sirius as she passed them in the common room. Tonight they had come back from Christmas holidays and Lily's mood was completely foul. Not because of Sirius and James per se, but because she had thought that maybe the holidays would stop the gossip surrounding her. Obviously the students at Hogwarts had proven her completely wrong, they still had a lot say. She was set to make everybody understand that it didn't affect her, not anymore.

"Your eyes are going to pop out if you continue to glare like that"said Remus without looking up from his book.

"Probably, but I simply don't care." She took a quill and a piece of parchment and started to write, what seemed to look like a really long letter, None of them talked until Lily was done with her letter and rereading it.

"I have already told you this and probably you don't want to listen, but at some point you're going to have to talk to him." he said looking at James.

"Yeah, so why don't you talk to him then?"Lily countered

"Well, because he stopped talking to me, unlike you who decided to stop talking to him"

"This is completely ridiculous you know, _I stopped talking to James, James stopped talking to you, you stopped talking to Sirius and Sirius stopped talking to me…_" said Lily sulking " I just don't have it in me to think about this one more time trying to find a way out".

"I know these couple of months have been like hell Lily, but eventually you do know you have to move on, we have to anyway….."

"I'll eventually get there" she said shortly cutting him off "How are you coping?" she asked tentatively, part of her hoping Remus wouldn't talk about her, they hadn't lately and she wasn't sure she was up to do it without crying. The other part wanted to test herself and see how much progress she had done.

Remus didn't answer right away he looked over where the three marauders were sitting and sighed "Better than before, whatever that means…"

_Yeah whatever that means _thought Lily.

* * *

James was trying very hard to concentrate in what Sirius was rambling about, but he was having a very hard time, a certain red head was glaring openly and directly at him and he felt like crap. They were in history of magic and it had been two weeks since the holidays had been over, but the glaring hadn't stopped.

He shouldn't care at this point not after the ring, the ball and her new boyfriend Remus….That backstabbing traitor….

Of course he had denied it, but he had planned it all along consoling her, offering a shoulder to cry. He wasn't wrong about him, about _them_. He didn't know what hurt more his best friend seducing the girl he loved. Or the girl that claimed to love him and only him, running into the arms of his best friend….

"_She is miserable and you're responsible for that"said Remus locking the door of their dorm, to avoid interruptions their fight was becoming loud_

"_You would know, wouldn't you?" laughed bitterly James "You're all over her now, Lily this lily that, couldn't you wait for us to break up"_

"_What the bloody hell are you talking about?" he asked thinking he had misheard._

"_You like her!!" shouted James_

"_Of course I do, I love her she's my best friend" said Remus rolling his eyes at James' childish accusations._

"_Don't give me that crap, I've seen you with her, you look at her like I used to…I know that look"as he paced back and forth_

"_You're delusional, but it doesn't surprise me" said Remus "You were delusional when you decided to break up with her, she is a great woman James and any guy would be lucky to have her, and you threw it all away for some stupid reason". _

"_It's not stupid it's for the best" he answered his lips in a thin line._

"_No, it's not. I know it, and deep down you know it as well. But maybe you're right if you are not going to be there for her and you already decided it's for the best..." and he paused to unlock the door "You're right I might as well be the one"_

_James froze dead in tracks and looked at his best friend as he had never seen him before. Remus held his gaze defiantly and James look turned blank and his skin paled._

"_You go and do that, it doesn't matter you're not my friend anymore"he said in the coldest tone, the tone he used with slytherins and he walked past Remus and out of the dorm._

Maybe it was meant to be like that.

* * *

"I am glad you decided to come Lily" said Marlene excitedly as she finished with her wand arranging her hair.

"I know you and Liz were like sisters, but we are your friends" said Kate patting Lily's shoulder.

"I know" answered Lily shortly, she appreciated that her roommates at least were trying to cheer her up. But she was better now, during the past month she had actually gained a couple of pounds which thrilled Remus. As the month had progressed the students had lowered down on the gossip, and even Peter had started to talk to her again. In a general manner of speaking, things were definitely better.

So when the Gryffindorfs had decided to throw a huge bash due to their victory against Hufflepuff she didn't hesitate on attending. After the match she had gone to the Hospital wing to visit Remus, tonight was a full moon. Later she had joined Marlene and Kate in the great hall, and now she was ready to come down and try to have some fun.

There wasn't anything extraordinary about the party, everyone was getting either drunk, snogged or even shagged. And what else was new….Lily remembered the first party she had attended. James and Sirius had recently joined the quidditch team.

"_This is so boring" said Elizabeth pouting. "Everyone is drunk"._

"_That's the point" said James presenting himself with two glasses f butterbeer and giving one to each girl. "You can laugh or join them"_

"_No thanks" said Lil y timidly taking a sip of her buttebeer. "I'd rather laugh than being drunk."_

"_You would"laughed James "Doesn't matter they don't serve alcohol to us, because we're thirtheen "_

"_Too bad" whined Sirius. "I could definitely have some fun if you catch my drift James" he said looking mischeviously._

_Elizabeth just shook her head "Merlin knows how you two will be in a couple of years" and Lily giggled._

And yes those two were the first to catch Lily's eye as she came down the stairs. James was talking loudly, a fifth year girl was pressed against him but still gave plenty of room to his handsome face. Besides the girl, there was a little crowd hanging on his every word. Sirius was to his right looking perfectly handsome and smiling at his best friend. Lily silently watched them, finding it impossible to tear her eyes away from them, they seemed flawless, like nothing had or could disrupt them. And that made her furious how they achieved to do so…how in earth??

Lily seemed glued to that spot and watched them, only them. The crowd around them changed but they still stood there in all their glory, never stopping the smirks, the smiles and the winking. .

"Lily" Marlene said and pulled Lily away to a corner where Kate was sitting with three of the five seventh years. Colin, Michael, and Benjamin.

"Lils"said Kate excitedly. She had no idea how long she had stood there but apparently it had given plenty of time for Kate to get whoozy.

"Hi"said Lily sitting next to Benjamin. Marlene placed a shot glass in front of her and giggled and went and sat directly in Michael's lap. Lily looked shocked for a moment and started worrying again, how long had she stared…

However she was interrupted by Benjamin "They're drunk. I asked a glass of what she was having" he said laughing.

"I know... They're certainly….._friendly"_mused Lily. And raised her glass to the couple and drank. Her throat burned and she blinked several times-

"That's one word for it"smirked Ben. Lily laughed and poured herself another glass of what looked like firewhiskey or at least it tasted like that. She poured Ben a glass and raised it to make another toast for the newly formed snogging couple.

Lily continued to busy herself with more firewhiskey along with Benjamin. The guy sure was a good laugh when he was drunk. He was a prefect like her, that explained how they were acquainted, and he was a really nice guy. He had even helped her last year with some Transfiguration papers. Time flied by and before she knew it, it was really late the party had winded down.

"What the…"slurred Ben as he watched the empty table and bottle.

"Bed time" said Lily in a sing sang voice struggling to get up and picking up the girl's sweaters. Ben joined her and scratched his head. "I'm afraid to go up and see _them_"

"Don't worry I'm sure they closed their curtains, or maybe they're really asleep"

"Maybe…"He shook his head and turned to Lily smiling "Good night Miss Evans"

"Night. Mr. Fenwick". Lily watched him climb the stairs, and walked towards the window to gaze at the full moon.

She sat on the window ledge hugging herself, feeling a sudden rush of emotion coming to her. Her eyes watered and she closed her eyes tightly trying to fight the tears and the sadness that came along. She was better now...

_She is dead, she's moved on. _

_James doesn't love you, he's moved on. _

_Sirius doesn't care about you he's moved on. _

_Move on Lily, _

_you need to move on..._

But she couldn't, overwhelmed by a wave of feelings tears escaped her eyes and she buried her face in her hands.

* * *

Sirius turned to look at Peter 's bed once again to make sure he was completely asleep. The snores and the drooling made him feel sure he wouldn't wake up anytime soon. He grabbed the invisibility cloak, took the map and opened it to check if Ben and Evans had left already so he could come down.

Ben was now in the seventh year dormitory, but Evans was still in the common room. He hesitated for a moment but decided to come down anyways. She seemed to be asleep or so he thought so he walked to the portrait when he heard a sob escape her lips, he stopped and she sobbed again. A second or two passed and Sirius realized she was crying.

"Lily" called Sirius softly. He started walking towards the windo and sat in front of t her. Lily didn't look up, so he tried again "Lily are you okay?" Sirius placed his hand on her shoulder and this only made her sob harder. He felt a knot on his throat and unsure of what would happen next he lifted her chin up with no difficulty.

Time seemed to stop and they looked at each other. Her face was pale, her nose and cheeks were colored, her eyes were red and swollen. But what stricked Sirius was that her look was neither of hate, disliked or anger….She was pleading.

And even more unexpected than this, was what she did next.

"I am so sorry Sirius"

Sirius let out a breath he had been holding, and stared. Finally he said"I know" and closed his arms around her, hugging her tightly. Lily sobbed even louder than before, and muffled her screams on Sirius shoulder. He poured all the strenght into that hug, thinking he somehow could ease her pain. Lily only cried harder and shook burying her face in his shirt..

* * *

James stumbled into the dormitory. He could not see the anything, he had lost his glasses and the lack of light didn't help. He needed someone to sober him up.

He almost fainted when he saw Lily laying in Sirius bed in profound sleep. James sat next to her. She looked almost like an angel, with her pale skin clashing with her auburn hair. He smiled and wiped a curl out of her face. Lily stirred but didn't open her eyes.

"James…"she whispered. James froze, but her eyes were still closed. Maybe she was dreaming of him….no that was impossible, she hated him. He reached to cup her cheek and she spoke again.

"You didn't say goodbye" she let out in a soft cry. James pondered if he should answer, he wanted to reach for her lips and kiss her, instead tell her how much he missed her too, that he wanted to be with her….but he knew he couldn't. So although he was drunk he knew he needed to giver her closure. He descended upon her until his breath was touching her face, and he whispered in her ear. "Goodbye Lily" and single tear ran down James' handsome face. He stood up, closed the curtains never looking back.

* * *

**A/N: I am sorry if anyone reads this, since it's been forever since I updated. I promised this story will be finished at some point. I won't even try to say when my next update will be, but I'll try two weeks from now. I'll try my hardest I swear. Please revieewww I love when you do it!!! Thanks to all who reviewed in my last chapterXD. And I made a video about this fanfic I am uploading it as I write this, when I have the link. I'll paste it here.**

** MEANWHILE HERE'S THE LINK TO MY ACCOUNT, the video is called meant to live: **


	6. Sooner or Later

**Disclaimer:Own nothing. JKR we all know it**

**MEANT TO LIVE  
**

**Chapter 5-Sooner or Later  
**_Song:Always love-Nada Surf_

"Don't move, this will hurt" said Lily putting aside the cloth she had used to clean the blood on his face. There were several small cuts and a long gash on the left side of his face. She took a tonic and a clean cloth and started applying it on each cut, causing him to wince and make faces.

"Stay still, I'm almost over" She closed the container and started blewing on Siriu's face to ease the pain a little bit. She gave him a small smile and started unbuttoning his shirt, his abdomen was covered in bruises and he had a large cut on his back.

Lily opened a bottle of cream to apply it on his bruises. She noticed his skin was slightly more tanned than James, and his muscles a bit more toned.

"I hope he's not as bad as you were" she said after several minutes. Sirius looked up, and Lily finally saw it. He looked worn out, tired and somehow older than just a couple of hours ago…Lily held his gaze and waited until he spoke.

_"No" Lily snapped poking her finger into James nose_

_"It's not dangerous" James explained sneezing from the poking, and grabbing a sweatshirt._

_"Don't lie to me"Lily yelled_

_"It's not that bad"Peter added in a low voice_

_"Besides it's more fun for moony" Sirius said joining the talk, drying his hair "we get to run, and do so much things. Boy things lils"_

_"It's bad enough having to worry about Remus, and you boys" Elizabeth said sitting on Sirius bed, and smiling at his beloved._

_"You shouldn't. Silly girls" Said Sirius pecking Elizabeth's forehead. Lily crossed her arms, but James pushed her into the bed and started covering her face in kisses and in less than a minute she was laughing._

_"If you get hurt, I'll hurt you more Potter" Lily said glaring at her boyfriend "And that goes for you two as well"_

"I was a prick and such a bloody fool for these past months. I've been doing a lot of stupid things lately and…."

"Sirius is okay" Lily interrupted him "What I said was horrible….I deserved to be yelled at.."

"Lily, no, I.."

"We're okay" said Lily reaching for his left hand and covering with hers.

"I know it's just I know I could've stopped it. I know I could've if I had been there sooner, I need to fix this……. Someone has to pay" said Sirius clenching his jaw.

"And someone will" said Lily holding his other hand too. "Just don't do anything stupid okay??"Sirius didn't answer and held her gaze for a minute or so and a small smile started appearing on his face.

"Okay"

"Promise??"

"I promise I will do nothing stupid about it."Sirius assured her squeezing her hands."At least not before letting you know what."

"Don't even think about it" said Lily punching him in the shook her head and took a bandage to wrap his abdomen. "This should do" She said when she finished and gave him a clean shirt."Thanks"h

"No problem" she chuckled and started putting back all the bottles in the case."It's almost eight, I should go back to my dormitory before _someone _wakes you visiting Remus later?"

"Yeah"said Sirius grinning

"Okay then,maybe I'll see you there."

* * *

"James are you okay?" asked Peter concerned "You look a bit pale." James nodded and stared at the bowl of cereal. He was nauseous, totally hung over..

Peter couldn't sober him up, and Sirius was nowhere to be seen. He still had to ask where he had been last night and the whole incident with Lily sleeping in his bed.

He reached for a bit of toast and his stomach flipped.... So maybe eating wasn't such a good idea right now. "Pete I'm going back to bed". On the way to the common room, he decided it was a better idea to go to the hospital wing. He was sure he could persuade Madame Pomfrey to give him something for the headache and the nausea.

He froze at the door when he heard the laughs coming from the hospital wing.

" I knew it was you who started that rumour.."Remus beamed "I shouldn't be laughing..."

"Come on moony, you beat the crap out of me last night. Lily was even worried about you bloody fool. And here you are injury-free"

"How is she?"Remus asked his tone turning sober.

"She is okay. We are okay now I think. She couldn't beat the crap out of me like you,and we didn't talk much either. But somehow it's all right now."

"As right as it can be.."Remus said. And Sirius didn't even reply. James was even more nauseous now with the new developments. In one night the three of them had worked out their issues leaving Jame sout of the loop. He felt like an outsider. And then remembered the argument that had complicated things so much to begin with.

_"It's absurd. Retarded even James."Remus said exasperated._

_"Thank you very much moony" James threw his hand in the air._

_"It's not very logical Prongs"Sirius added "Leaving her for that. Paranoid actually"_

_"See. Please try to be reasonable you'll work something out when school is over. Many things can happen" Remus reasoned "You coudl fall out of love even."_

_"That sounds even better" James snorted sarcastically._

_"You know what I mean. You can't see what will happen"Remus lowered his voice and sat in James' bed. Looking tired._

_"No. I won't drag her into a life full of danger. No I won't"James yelled sinking his head between hs legs. "Would you condemn the love of your life just so she could be with you?"_

_"Don't be a dramatic queen Prongs"_

_"Shut up Sirius"_

_"I am a werewolf.I am more dangerous for someone than you, and even I would fght for Lily, if I was in your place"Remus said sadly walking out from the room, and dragging Sirius with him. Leaving James to ponder what he would do._

He was right in doing it. Pushing Lily out, there was a war going on. And he was a target, his parents were, and so would his wife and children be. He could not make Lily a target or put her in that world. She could pursue a life n the muggle world. Or in another country elsewhere but not with him. He was brought back to reality when Sirius called his name.

"Prongs?"

* * *

Remus lifted his eyes from the book he was reading and smiled at the sight before him. Lily and Sirius were spralwed on the grass working on their Potions essay. Peter was snoring just next to them. And James was a couple of feet away throwing rocks into the lake. Of course things were not perfect Lily and James were very polite and rarely spent time talking to each other.

But James had apologized to Remus, and well they were back to being the marauders at last.

"So boys any plans for valentines day?" Lily asked starting to pick up ther parchment. blewing so it would dry.

"Not me" yawned Peter "But James and Remus have dates" James walked back joining the group . Lily didn't say anything but gave him a half smile and James nodded.

"Moooooony"laughed Sirius "You did ask Claire."

"I like her"said Remus in a small voice

"And that's great" Lily said shoving Sirius away from Remus "She is nice. I like her too."

"What about you Lily?"asked James curiosity betraying him. Sirius stopped laughing and they all turned their attention. Remus tensed even though Lily and James were on speaking terms they never spoke about each other's love life..

"Yes" she conceded. "I have a date with Ben"

"The head boy?"asked Peter

"Who else?" Sirius muttered sarcastically

"Ben's great" Jamed said and grinned at Lily. She was taken aback but returned him the walked back into the castle talking about some possible options for Peter and Sirius. And even though jealousy was eating a pair, they bit their tongues.

* * *

James lifted his gaze to see Lily coming out of the dormitories. She looked stunning, she was wearing a beautiful white sweater dress, her hair was down. And she looked nervous.

_"wow"James breathed out_

_"Stop" Lily said blushing when their looks crossed_

_"Should I say you don't look breath taking then"James teased kissing her hand._

_"Well I do look beautiful don't I?"she said laughing _

_"You do"James said dropping the jokes and looking at her seriously. _

He made a quick scan of the common room and saw that Ben wasn't there. Actually it was deserted it seemed it wad too early or people were running late.

"Hey come sit" James motioned to the chair" You cleaned up pretty well"

"Thank you I tried"Lily responded

"Lily I want us to be okay"Jame started pushing his glasses up his nose, and leaning into Lily

"I know. I want us to be okay too. I want to be your friend again, if you have me"Lily blurted out and reached out for James' hand.

"I would..." he was about to say love but he refrained from using that word it was too soon "like that very much" he said rubbing his thumb affectionately on the back of her hand.

"Lily"Ben called making them snap out of their moment" Are you ready"

"Yes. Bye James. Have a great time" Lily gave one final smile to James before turning her back on him and holding Ben's arms. As Ben talked on and on about how beautiful she looked. James stood and turned to watch them leave through the portrait. And it finally hit him.

He'd been lying to himself for these past months. She never had a thing for Remus, and deep down he knew that was why he didn't regret it back then. But today was different, Ben wasn't the one, but there would come a day when the one would show up, and she would say yes. And she would be gone forever.

And he could not bare the thought.  
Not when it didn't seem so far off.

He couldn't. He loved her too much. And it was not too late.

He ran to the dormirtories to grab the map and the cloak and dashed out the gryffindorf tower.

* * *

**a/N: this is depressing i don't know if i have readers left at this point, it's been like two years... i am so sorry, theres really no excuse. however i do promise i will finish it. I might even have kids then , but I will finish. I am writting constantly these days I just needed to get back in touch with this and I finally have. I thinks it might suck but oh well it's been so long, i'll see how many hits this gets and if i have readers left....maybe i'll just delete it, it's embarrasing having a story with such and old update....**


	7. Makes me wonder

**Disclaimer:Own nothing. JKR we all know it**

**MEANT TO LIVE  
**

**Chapter 6-Makes me wonder  
**

James ran as fast as he could, he had to get to the entrance hall before Lily and Ben left for Hogsmeade. It would be impossible for him to talk with Lily once she got into the carriage. Hell he wasn't sure how it was going to play. He was completely aware of how dangerous it was to try, but somehow he couldn't stop himself.

He had been so stupid, and he had plenty of time to say something, anything. She gave him plenty of chances, and every single time he only pushed her further away. He only hoped it was not too late. But on the back of his mind he could not help and wonder if it truly was.

When he finally made it. He started to search frantically looking for the red hair to stand out in the crowd. It was full of couples, some of them kissing, other just talking, and a few nervous looking at their dates.

He finally caught sight of her, at the same time Lily looked at him. Ben had his back to him, but Lily's gaze didn't falter. She was looking straight at James. Now that he was finally facing her, doubt entered his mind. He could see the look on her face, she was too easy to read, at least for him she was.

He took a step forward, and he could see her lip tremble. James smiled brightly, like he hadn't in months, like he did when he was with her, and from the look on her face he just knew it wasn't too late. He took another step this time with more confidence. One deep breath, and he nodded at her.

Lily's eyes watered and something in her stomach fluttered. And she was afraid, no terrified. But she was also hopeful, it seemed forever for him to take the third step in her direction. She wanted to scream at him to tell him to hurry up, she wanted to run into his arms. But for all she knew this could be a figment of her imagination, the walking James could be an illusion. She shook her head opened and closed her eyes. And he was still there.

Two steps and Ben would acknowledge his presence.

One. Lily held her breath.

"James!"a high pitched squeal followed by blond long curls blocked her view

"I've been looking for you. I thought you were waiting for me in the common room….."

"I know, I just" he shoved her aside gently, he needed to talk with Lily. But the odds were not on his side. She was gone. He saw her climbing up the carriage followed by Ben.

He didn't hear a word Audrey was saying he was too numbed to care. He watched her leave, and it broke his heart. Not only because his chance was gone, but because of her face looking back at him.

She wanted him to catch her, and he had ruined it.

Again

* * *

"I don't understand what you are still doing here?" Remus sighed when James had finished telling him what had happened on Valentines.

"She and Ben are together. I can't do that" James murmured. "It's selfish, and unfair and ."

"Moronic" Remus cut him off "But you're all of those things.."

"She deserves better" James muttered.

"And we keep running in circles" Remus said exasperated "You have to make up your mind."

"You mean if I love her or not" James got smacked literally for that comment.

"Love her. It's pretty obvious you do. What I mean is do you want to be with her or not. Simple as that."

"_Simple as that" Remus snapped "You can't possibly be that thick headed"_

"_What?!!! Why can't you understand?!" James yelled "Didn't you just hear a word of what I said"_

"_Yes I did, but I don't see your so called logic" Remus countered. "How breaking Lily's heart is going to be good for her "_

"_It's not breaking her heart. It's sparing her the suffering. It's literally saving her life" James frantically said " Lily is falling in love with me.."_

"_And that's usually a good thing." _

"_No, it's not. It's the beginning of the end. Don't you see. Lily falls in love, I already love her. We leave school, get married and we get killed. My family is a target, the members of my are dropping dead like flies, just this summer my cousin Tom lost his wife Justine. Guess what she was. A half blood,. Lily's a muggleborn…._

"_Lily is destined to be great, to be happy, to have the best. And I would give her anything in the world, but the one thing that I can't is love her, not when it endangers her life"_

"_You don't know.."_

"_I do" James was stubborn. The door opened, and Sirius came in grinning but stopped when he saw both of them._

"Simple as that" James repeated "You're right"

"You are going to talk with her?."Remus inquired thinking he had finally gotten through him

"No, I can't" James said resolved "I love her. I love her too much" Remus only shook his head, but decided to leave like that. Maybe time could knock some sense into his head.

* * *

"Are you ever going to stop?"Lily asked seriously.

"I don't know. Are you?"Sirius countered. Lily laughed and took another sip of her firewhiskery "Touché"

"You won't" Sirius answered her "I will"

"And you figure because..."

"She's dead and well last time I checked James was pretty much alive" Sirius explained pouring more firewhiskey into his shot glass.

"Pretty and alive" Lily giggled "My kind of man"

"Sometimes I do forget, for a couple of hours, I just forget. But then when I remember and I realize I forgot I feel worse" Sirius said his voice getting shaky.

"She would want you to be happy"Lily said placing her hand on his. "She really loved you"

"She really did. Didn't she?"Sirius asked smiling wistfully. Lily nodded, and pulled his head into her lap, passing her finger throuhg his hair softly.

"Do you really believe it was an accident"Lily asked after some minutes.

"No" Sirius said and a tear escaped "It was no accident"

_Sirius glanced at his watch. He was late. He ran faster, stupid James he had to run quidditch practice late. It wasn't his fault he was a fool and had ended things with Lily. But well they would figure something Liz could talk some sense into him. They could plan something tonight. That was if she wasn't too mad because he was late._

_Detention with Slughorn was never fun. And she wasn never in a good mood after it. Hopefully tonight was the exception He defientely was crossing his fingers. Just when he was about to reach the dungeons for Potions, he saw Slughorn coming out of the apothecary._

_"Mr. Black" Slughorn greeted "Ms. Stern is almost done." Sirius stopped not sure he should follow or just wait._

_"Or maybe she already is" He said loudly "Let's go and find out" Sirius smiled and followed his professor._

_Slughorn was too busy talking about the next gathering he was planning he opened, the door and there in the floor,white as the snow, the life in her eyes gone, his Elizabeth was lying. Before he kneeled and touched her skin, he knew she was gone. He knew she was dead._

"I didn't think so either" Lily whispered back_._ "A heart attack at such a young age"

"I just don't know where to star..."

"I don't either" Lily assured him "But we'll find a way"

* * *

"Things are heating up with you and Claire" Sirius patted his back "About time"

Remus blushed slightly "It's not like that"

"Dog" Peter snickered.

"Shut up Peter, don't tell me Melissa and you only hold hands" Peter blushed more profusely than Remus and closed his mouth.

"You're all whipped" Sirius laughed "Even little Jamesy here and her lovely Eve"

"I thought you were with Audrey" Peter said

"Not anymore, she was stupid" James said not looking up from his book.

"Eve is a ravenclaw" Sirius explained "Boooring"

"Shut up" James said throwing him a book "I really like her"

"Yes Padfoot shut up" Remus warned him.

"So what about you and your mistery lady?" James asked closing his book and taking off his glasses "And don't even try to deny it. You've been coming in late all the time, and fridays you stumble here druk as hell"

"There's no girl. You moron" Sirius laughed "I 've been with Lily"

Silence filled the room, and everybody looked at him expectantly.

"We've been talking about Liz"

"Oh" James said relieved.´

"Wow"Peter said

"Yeah..we're mourning I guess" Sirius said carelessly. "Anyways, I'm late for my date with Minnie. I shouldn't keep the old woman waiting or there will be hell to pay" Sirius exited the room, but Remus caught with him when he was in the living room. He ushered him outside into the portrait.

"Moony, what?" Sirius said when they were finally alone

"Be careful" Remus advised "With Lily, with what you're doing.."

"She told yoU? Huh??" Sirius asked. Remus nodded

"I told her it was not wise, but you both are stubborn, just promise you'll be careful"

"I promise"

"If there's anything you need. Im here"

"Thanks man" And with that he left. Remus waited until he was out of sight and sighed. He wasn't sure how to deal with this, he thought of telling James but decided not to. How bad things could go. Surely it was just another phase of their mourning. They wouldn't find a thing. Or could they?

No.

Her death was an accident. Lily and Sirius just needed to accept it.

* * *

**a/n: it's here, one month, not years. hopefully i'll keep the one month steady rate, and if i can i'll try to rush it, but baby steps for now. don't quit on me now, i can't still believe how many reviews i got, im so happy, elated. this is full of mistakes. but hopefully it can be read. sorry for that, i need a beta but that would only mean more pressure and less updating, so anyways here it me know what you think.**


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